Time and Again

12

Time and Again - Part 1: In The Beginning

Sunnydale High Library – Tuesday 9^th September 1997

"… and then, th-the-they …" Cordelia broke off sobbing and laid her head on Buffy's shoulder when the blonde scooted her chair even closer. Her own eyes bright with unshed tears, Buffy pulled the crying girl into her arms and looked over her head, meeting the concerned gazes of everyone gathered around the main table in the library.

From the moment Cordelia had, haltingly, started relating her story it had been obvious to everyone that she was finding the telling painful, although she had seemed to find Buffy's hand gently rubbing her shoulder, and the encouraging looks the blonde gave her, some comfort. But as the story progressed she had become more and more withdrawn and now she had broken down completely.

Xander's face had shifted through many expressions during the last few minutes. From surprise and speculation at Cordelia's description of his bravery of the other night, to a quiet lust at the thought of her lying naked on a river bank and had now settled into a mixture of sympathy for her pain and embarrassed fury at the thought of those boys' actions. //No, not boys,// he thought, //animals. Sure, Cordelia must have looked sexy as hell standing there naked…// For a brief moment his mind drifted back into fantasy, but he gave himself a disgusted shake. //But to do THAT to her. There's no excuse.//

As Willow leaned up against him, he gave her a gentle hug. Offering comfort to his oldest friend who's face was scrunched up in empathetic horror as she stared at the crying girl. The girl who before today she had always considered one of the bane's of her life. But Willow had a very caring heart and seeing the way Cordelia was torn up inside was doing the same to her.

"I–I'm s-s-sorry," Cordelia mumbled, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "I th-thought I was over this. It's been years." Taking a deep shaky breath, she wiped her cheeks with a trembling hand. "This isn't like me," she continued, her voice a little steadier than before. "I'm Cordelia. I'm not a sniveling whiny little cry-… It's j-just not me!" she finished wistfully, burying her face in Buffy's hair again as the tears overwhelmed her once more. (13)

"Shhh, it's OK Cordy, you're safe now. Nobody's gonna hurt you while you're with me." Buffy murmured into her friend's ear, shamefully trying to ignore the way her skin was tingling from the feel of the taller brunette in her arms. //Oh boy, I was expecting demons, maybe a vampire or two. I could have coped with that. But this – this is worse. They were human but they did THAT to her. How does anyone deal with that? I feel almost helpless. How could Cordelia act so normal last night?//

Buffy's gaze finally came to rest on the two adults at the far end of the table. Her Watcher was uncomfortably polishing his glasses, staring off at nothing, a pained expression on his face. But Nevyn met her gaze levelly and nodded slightly confirming beyond doubt just what had happened to Cordelia.

Sunnydale High, Girls' Restroom – Tuesday 9^th September 1997

Cordelia's shoulders shook heavily and her face was sunk between her hands as she huddled in the toilet stall, still sobbing dejectidly. //Why does it still hurt so much? They say time heals all wounds. Surely, those horrors should be far enough in the past? I almost never have the nightmares now. Not like in the beginning when I woke screaming almost every night.// She gave a deep shudder as she remembered the way she used to sit bolt upright, yelling at the top of her voice and flinch away from anyone who tried to offer her any comfort. But time had moved on, as it's prone to do, and she had thrown her energies into everything that was happening around her, distracting herself, not letting herself brood on what had happened to her. Eventually, she had begun to sleep almost normally again. //Of course, Nevyn said I never really dealt with the trauma, just buried and ignored it, hoping it would go away. Maybe he was right, but it seemed to be working. Why do I still feel so dirty?//

Gradually, as she calmed down and her sobbing eased, she became aware that Willow and Buffy were crammed into the stall with her, hovering sympathetically over her, as they had been since she had dashed here from the library. Lifting her head finally, she saw it had been Buffy who had been soothingly stroking her hair. Both girls' faces were streaked with their own tears. Willow, eyes wide with shock, was hugging herself tightly, her head shaking back and forth slightly trying to deny what she knew was true.

But it was when she looked into Buffy's face, that Cordelia got the biggest shock. The deep emerald eyes were full of pain and misplaced guilt as tears rolled unnoticed down her cheeks, her lips moving in an endless almost soundless repetition of "I'm sorry, so sorry."

Not trusting herself to speak, Cordelia lifted a trembling hand to wipe the tears from Buffy's cheeks. //She's crying for me,// she thought in amazement. //After all the cruel things I've said to her, to both of them,// she corrected herself, //she still cares. Somebody HERE actually cares what happens to me.// A slight smile ghosted around her lips and was echoed a moment later by the blonde. With one final sniff, Cordelia gave herself a shake and scrubbed away her tears with the backs of her hands. "God, I'm pathetic. It's a good thing Harmony and the rest of my so called friends can't see me now."

The other girls immediately began babbling out protests, but she barely listened, she had heard it all before from other people.

"Can we get cleaned up now," she asked after letting them run on for a couple of minutes. "We should get back to the library and go on with the story before I lose my nerve completely."

"Perhaps it would be best if I continue the story from here?" Nevyn asked hesitantly after the three girls rejoined the others in the library. On receiving nods from a few of those gathered around the table, he drew a deep breath and locking his gaze on Buffy once more, slowly began. "I first met Cordy several days later. I had just finished a long trip made with only the vaguest hints of what I was to do when I got there and was in a bit of a bad mood …"

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